KONOHARRAKIS
by Freeglader
Summary: Our favorite characters produce a play directed by me, the author! Should be good even if you haven't read Dune which the play is based on. Dune itself is, for the most part, the only reason it's rated T just to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

KONOHARRAKIS

_Dune_ Naruto style!

Introduction (Don't worry, I'm uploading the first real chapter too):

A thousand apologies to the owners of both _Dune_ and _Naruto_ (because unfortunately, I don't own either).

How and why ninjas would be putting on a theatrical production of _Dune_ is beyond me. It's just because they are all trapped in my own warped mind! (I might as well say here, I intend to join the Bene Gesserit after becoming a Shinobi.)

Lest you think me completely random, here's the story behind this bizarre combination: My parents challenged me to read the whole Dune series. I am now on _Chapterhouse: Dune_ (the sixth book), which I was reading in school today. My friend Malia (our local Kakashi fan) snatched the book from me, read the cover, and handed it back saying,"If only it had Gaara in it. Then Hannah (our group's Gaara nut) might want to read it!"

Well the truth is, over the past few weeks I had been teasing Gaara in my mind by calling him a Fremen, so I took the idea seriously. What if I were to rewrite Dune, not just with Gaara, but with everybody else from Naruto?

Then I realized that the backstage action was more fun to write, and increases the chance that I'll follow through with more chapters of this fic. (It's my first, so _don't be too harsh if you choose to review_. I'll have to trust you to obey that last, as I can't use Voice on the computer.)

So, without further ado, let the weirdness begin!

FURTHER ADO: Sadly, Naruto has too many characters for me to find parts for. I know I had to leave a few people out and I'm sorry. They're probably playing very minor parts or are stage crew or understudies.

AND ONE MORE THING: Hannah, Malia, you had better read Dune after this!


	2. I'm Paul Atreides Believe it!

Chap. 1: I'm Paul Atreides - Believe it!

_(Author runs for her life after using American-version anime reference)_

"Yes, Naruto, you got the starring role. Don't let it go to your head. I SAID DON'T LET IT GO TO YOUR HEAD!"

As she attempted to calm the hyperactive young ninja in front of her, the thirteen-year-old author was beginning to regret breaking the third wall to direct the play in her own fanfiction.

Pushing the chair away from the desk, she wheeled over to the intercom button on the wall and pressed it. "Go-fer staff people? Mr. Uzumaki is to have NO MORE SUGAR TODAY! Understood? No matter how much he begs."

Naruto paused his rejoicing long enough to ask,"So, what's this play about anyway?"

The director, happy to be on track at last, replied. "It's based on a great science-fiction novel called _Dune_. Dune is a nickname for Arrakis, the desert planet it takes place on."

"Science fiction? Like with robots and stuff?"

The director laughed. "Actually, robots are banned because they tried to take over thousands of years ago."

"You," she continued, savoring the crestfallen look on Naruto's face, "are the hero of the story: Paul Atreides, later to be known as Muad'Dib."

"So," the girl finished, "Let's go see the people who will be playing your parents."

"All right, where's our Duke Leto?" called the oddly commanding girl as she walked through the busy studio.

"Right here, Miss Filatine!" said Sasuke, appearing next to her.

"Look, you're my age, you can call me by my first name!"

Sasuke seemed not to hear. He turned to smirk at Naruto.

"Did you hear I'm playing your father? I guess that means I get to tell you what to do!"

"For your information," Naruto replied hotly, poking his thumb at his chest, "I'M the hero of the story! Nobody's gonna boss me around -- HEY! You rolled your eyes, I saw it!"

A short fight ensued. (No, I'm not gonna describe it! I can't write fight scenes!) Eventually Temari, whose arrival had gone unnoticed in all the hubbub, shouted in a tone of voice usually reserved for her brothers.

"You two had better stop fighting NOW or you won't have a Lady Jessica!"

Naruto, not taking his eyes off Sasuke for a moment, replied angrily, "So! We can get along without you!"

"Actually," said the director in a nervous voice, "Jessica's a very important character. It's all over if Temari walks out."

"Come on, it's not that serious," Temari answered. "You have Tenten as an understudy."

"Uh," the director stalled. Finally she got the words out. "When I made the original cast list, there was a part at the beginning I forgot. So she has her own part now."

"Okay, then," replied Temari. "May I stop my "family" from killing each other?"

"Yes, _please_ do."

Exactly half a second later, Sasuke and Naruto found themselves on opposite sides of Temari's giant fan. She was once again yelling at the top of her lungs.

"Look, there's nothing we can do about the casting now, so we might as well try to do a decent job on this play!" Her voice lowered in volume but lost none of its firmness. "Besides, my character is _your_ mother" She nodded toward Naruto. "and _your_ wife" Nod toward Sasuke. "so you'd better get used to having me around and not ignore me!"

Temari turned back to the director. "I say we start the play now, I've had enough backstage action!"

"I agree," said the director.


	3. Get your act together!

Chapter 2: Get your act together!

(FYI: Chapter name based on a slogan for our school talent show)

For the record, let it be known that I used the word "drabble" in the introduction without knowing what it means. I still don't. I just like the word.

I also don't know how Naruto can know his lines and still have no clue what's going on. Maybe the actors are being prompted by in-ear communication devices, like in _Fahrenheit 451_... But that's just the way I decided to write this. If you don't like it, then YOU try writing it. By the way, for the most part they are quoting directly from the book (I have it on my desk right next to me so I can keep copying the lines.) (And Hannah, I don't care how long it takes to read the book. You can take breaks to read other books(I do that all the time.) But READ it or BELIEVE...)

One final note: I got sick of calling myself "the director." From now on, I'll just use my name, Julia. (That is my real first name, even though my last is fake.)

(Enough parentheses already!) On with the story!

The curtain was still down, but a deep voice was seemingly booming from no particular place in the theater.

"TEN THOUSAND YEARS AFTER HUMANS REVOLTED AGAINST THINKING MACHINES, ANOTHER POWER SHIFT IS ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE. HOUSE ATREIDES HAS LIVED AND RULED ON THE PLANET CALADAN FOR TWENTY--SIX GENERATIONS. FOR EIGHTY YEARS, THEIR ENEMIES, HOUSE HARKONNEN, HAVE HAD CONTROL OF THE DESERT PLANET ARRAKIS, KNOWN AS DUNE, SOLE SOURCE OF THE LIFE--EXTENDING SPICE MELANGE. NOW, THE HARKONNENS HAVE BEEN REQUIRED TO PULL OUT, AND THE ATREIDES TO MOVE TO ARRAKIS AND START A NEW RULE. ONE WEEK BEFORE THIS MOVE, A STRANGER HAS COME TO VISIT CASTLE CALADAN--AND THE HEIR TO THE ATREIDES DUCHY..."

The curtain rose on a dimly lit stage. Naruto was lying on a bed, pretending he was pretending to be asleep. Temari and Ten Ten were quietly standing nearby, obviously having a conversation.

Ten Ten had the first line. "Is he not small for his age, Jessica?"

Her companion answered. "The Atreides are known to start late getting their growth, Your Reverence."

"So I've heard. Yet he's already fifteen."

"Yes, Your Reverence."

"He's awake and listening to us. Sly little rascal. But royalty has need of slyness. And if he's really the Kwisatz Haderach...well..." She trailed off and then abruptly turned to leave, dragging Temari with her. As she left, she turned to address Naruto. "Sleep well, you sly little rascal. Tomorrow you'll meet my gom jabbar."

As soon as they were gone, Naruto spoke up. He was reciting his lines, but he really did want to know. "What's a gom jabbar? Something of Arrakis I must know before we go there? And what was that other thing she said...Kwisatz Haderach? And why does she treat a Bene Gesserit Lady and duke's concubine like a common serving wench?"

He pretended to fall asleep for real, until the stage lighting faded out and then suddenly came back on full strength. Temari returned, asked how he had slept, then got down to business. "Reverend Mother is waiting."

Naruto immediately answered back. "I dreamed of her once. Who is she?"

"She was my teacher at the Bene Gesserit school. Now, she's the Emperor's Truthsayer. And Paul... You must tell her about your dreams."

"I will. Is she the reason we got Arrakis?"

"We did not get Arrakis. Now don't keep Reverend Mother waiting."

The boy now got up, almost unrecognizable without his usual wardrobe containing only orange. The only vivid part of his costume was the brilliant red hawk crest of the Atreides. He continued with his lines, hoping that both he and Paul would receive an answer. "What's a gom jabbar?"

Temari acted nervous and turned toward a window painted onto the set. You'll learn about..." She paused long enough to inhale. "...the gom jabbar soon enough."

"Well then," Naruto said out of the blue,"WHAT THE HECK IS A CONCUBINE!"

Temari lost her nervous expression and turned to stare at Naruto in angered shock. Her expression now said, in no uncertain manner, _WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY THAT FOR!_

Then, she looked up to see Julia watching from the wings, mouthing the words _JUST TELL HIM!_

Temari sighed, then leaned over to whisper in Naruto's ear. His eyes went wide as dinner plates and he screamed out again.

"YOU MEAN... MY PARENTS... AREN'T... ACTUALLY... MARRIED!"

(Author's note: I know Temari said "wife" in the last chapter. I apologize for the inconsistency, but it worked better with the scene and it was better for the "What's a concubine?" scene to be held until they were on stage. And I couldn't cut it out, the concubine angle is too important to the story. This is rated T, after all.)

Ten Ten was alone on stage long enough to say her line. "Damn that Jessica! If only she'd borne us a girl as she was ordered to do!"

Then Temari and Naruto entered, the first still trying to regain her composure after the concubine incident, the other looking at her in disgust because of that same scene, apparently forgetting he'd brought it on himself. The sand ninja remembered just in time to hesitate when told to leave by the Reverend Mother, whose eyes flicked back and forth between the two people sharing the stage with her as she recited her line. "Jessica, you know it must be done."

Seeing her fellow actress's straight face, Temari rallied herself for her few remaining lines in the scene. She turned to her short, blond costar. "Paul... this test you're about to recieve... it's important to me."

"Test?" asked Naruto, suddenly snapping to attention.

Temari discreetly rolled her eyes, said "Remember that you're a duke's son," and made her exit.

Back on stage, Naruto's own emotion was coming through in his lines. "Does one dismiss the Lady Jessica as though she were a serving wench?"

"The Lady Jessica _was_ my serving wench, lad, for fourteen years at school," replied Ten Ten," And a good one, too. Now, _you_ come here!"

Naruto obeyed, then looked down at himself with convincing surprise. "You're using the Voice on me?"

Ten Ten took no notice. She produced a mysterious box with one open side. "Put your right hand in the box." Then, when Naruto started backing away, "Is this how you obey your mother?"

Naruto's hand slowly entered the box. He flinched. Ten Ten held something up to his neck. This time, an explanation was forthcoming.

"I hold at your neck the gom jabbar. The gom jabbar, the high-handed enemy. It's a needle with a drop of poison on its tip. Don't pull away or you'll feel that poison."

Naruto began sweating. Whether all of it was from the hot stage lights, he couldn't say. It would appear that he was actually getting into character now.

Ten Ten was also taking pride in her performance as she continued the so far one-sided conversation. "A duke's son must know about poisons. It's the way of our times. Poisons that go in drink and poisons that go in food. The quick ones and the slow ones and the ones in between. Here's a new one for you: the gom jabbar. It kills only animals."

An artificial anger sign appeared just behind Naruto's head. "You dare suggest a duke's son is an animal?"

"Let us say I suggest you may be human. I warn you not to try jerking away. Believe me, my hand can drive this needle into your neck before you escape me."

"Didn't that last line come close to--"

"I couldn't care less about that stupid catch phrase you picked up at the dubbing place! Now keep up with your lines before you ruin this scene any further!"

"Oh, right," said Naruto, remembering what it was they were supposed to be doing. His voice had lost its simulated emotion by now, but he began asking the necessary questions. "Who are you? How did you trick my mother into leaving me alone with you? Are you from the Harkonnens?"

"The Harkonnens? Bless us, no! Now, be silent. Here's the way of the test: If you withdraw your hand from the box you die. This is the only rule. Keep your hand in the box and live. Withdraw it and die."

Naruto proudly replied, "If I call out there'll be servants on you in seconds and _you'll_ die."

"Servants will not pass your mother who stands guard outside that door. Depend on it. Your mother survived this test. Now it's your turn. Be honored. We seldom administer this to boys. Now, you will feel pain in this hand within the box. But! Withdraw your hand and the gom jabbar takes you. Understand?"

"What's in the box?"

"Pain."

Naruto looked concerned as his unpredictable acting talent suddenly returned. He really hoped Paul would be able to make it, not caring that the alternative would get him off stage faster.

The stage lighting began to take on the faintest tint of red as Ten Ten continued with her lines. "You've heard of animals chewing off a leg to escape a trap? That's an animal kind of trick. A human would remain in the trap, endure the pain, feigning death that he might kill the trapper and remove a threat to his kind."

The light went a little redder. Naruto started breathing harder. He glanced at the hand in the box, clearly beginning to feel pain as predicted. "Why are you doing this?"

"To determine if you're human. Be silent."

Naruto clenched his visible hand. He glanced from the box to Ten Ten to the box and back to Tenten...

He gasped and sweated and trembled as the light grew redder in sympathy with the incredible pain that came from that box... The pain that couldn't get worse, yet somehow did...

Then, suddenly it was all over. The red light flooding the stage snapped back to white. Naruto looked up in shock.

Ten Ten spoke. "Enough! No girl ever withstood that much. I must've wanted you to fail." She took the hand that held the gom jabbar from his neck. "Take your hand from the box, young human, and look at it."

Naruto hesitated, then withdrew his hand. He held it up and stared at it as though surprised to see it intact.

Ten Ten noticed and explained. "Pain by nerve induction. Can't go around maiming potential humans. There're those who'd give a pretty for the secret of this box, though."

"You did that to my mother once?"

"Ever sift sand through a screen?"

Naruto nodded.

"We Bene Gesserit sift people to find the humans."

He then told her that he could sense truth. Hearing this, she said, "Perhaps you are the Kwisatz Haderach. Sit down, little brother, here at my feet."

"I prefer to stand."

"Your mother sat at my feet once."

"I'm not my mother."

"You hate us a little, eh?" Looking offstage, she called out, "Jessica!"

Temari then came back on stage. She smiled at Naruto and said, supposedly to herself, though the whole audience heard, "My son lives...and is human. I knew he was...but...he lives. Now, I can go on living."

"Some day, lad," said Ten Ten in response, "you, too, may have to stand outside a door like that. It takes a measure of doing."

"Why do you test for humans?" asked Naruto.

"To set you free."

"Free?"

"Once men turned their thinking over to machines in the hope that this would set them free. But that only permitted other men with machines to enslave them."

Naruto moved on to the next question. " You say maybe I'm the...Kwisatz Haderach. What's that, a human gom jabbar?"

"Paul," interrupted Temari, "You musn't take that tone with--"

"I'll handle this, Jessica." Ten Ten again. "Now, lad, do you know about the Truthsayer drug?"

"You take it to improve your ability to detect falsehood. My mother's told me."

"Have you ever seen truthtrance?"

"No."

"The drug's dangerous, but it gives insight. When a Truthsayer's gifted by the drug, she can look many places in her body's memory. We look down so many avenues of the past...but only feminine avenues. Yet, there's a place where no Truthsayer can see. We are repelled by it, terrorized. It is said a man will come one day and find in the gift of the drug his inward eye. He will look where we cannot--into both feminine and masculine pasts."

"Your Kwisatz Haderach?"

"Yes, the one who can be many places at once: the Kwisatz Haderach. Many men have tried the drug...so many, but none has succeeded."

"They tried and failed, all of them?"

"Oh, no. They tried and died."

Now that the actual play has started, how about some reviews? Sorry if it's confusing! It's hard to balance the humor of Naruto with the drama of Dune. Speaking of which, I intend to be true to the plot, for the most part. Of course, at this rate, it will take me forever to finish... Maybe even longer than it would take my friends to read that terrifyingly thick book(hint, hint) Come on, it's _only_ 487 pages long!

Up next: Orochimaru shows up. With the part I've picked for him, he won't be able to help being a good actor. Cue Maroon5 tune: And he wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill be bashed, And he wiiiiiiiiiiiiiill be baaaaaaaaaaashed... Feel free to send suggestions as to how I may torture him while I have the complete control afforded by fanfiction!


	4. No Light Without Darkness

Chapter 3. No Light Without Darkness

(This chap's title is based on the quote that heads this chapter in the book.)

**As always, I have things to say. It doesn't much matter whether you choose to read them or not, I just want to write them down.**

**First, a protest to STOP DISCRIMINATION AGAINST INTERROBANGS! (An interrobang is what you call it when you pile an exclamation point on top of a question mark.) I used some in the infamous "What's a concubine?" scene in the last chapter and they were somehow accidentally translated into ORDINARY BORING EXCLAMATION POINTS! I feel my artistic vision has been compromised and the full range of the character's emotions not expressed because we were forbidden the right to stack punctuation! LONG LIVE THE INTERROBANG!**

**On a calmer note, know that although there was very little in the last chapter that could be safely cut, I will be forced to condense quite a bit from here on. As much as it breaks my heart to razor my beloved sci-fi chapters, I don't want to bore my fans (Come on, I know you're out there) with as many chapters as Herbert has. Besides, if you want to see how the book compares, I strongly urge you to read it yourself. If you don't want to see how the book compares... Well, I still suggest reading it!**

**That reminds me: My thanks to selle18 are like the Idaho gholas: Uncountable and seemingly neverending! Thanks for your review and casting ideas! I liked them so much that a total of three roles were shuffled and Kakashi will now be playing the role of Duncan as per suggestion.**

**Thanks are also due to my other reviewer, KazeKage Shad. Yes, you have selle18, her suggestions, and the ensuing role shuffle to thank for the fact that Gaara's role is now safe. Too bad, because I had big plans for a scene in which he is "saved" by a certain crazed fangirl I know... Now let's just say I'll have Malia's wrath to deal with instead.**

**Anyway, the show must go on!**

**(To clear up any confusion: This next backstage scene contains a character I lifted from a flashback on page 110 of my copy of _Chapterhouse: Dune_. I just moved her into the present(which for me is about p.118). Non-readers should be warned that the BG of her time has changed from that of the first book. By the way, the disclaimers from the introduction still apply. CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR HERETICS/CHAPTERHOUSE.)**

Linchine walked slowly down the hall, hoping that no one would see the humiliating Starbucks cup clenched in her hand. As a Bene Gesserit acolyte, it was her duty to see to the every need of the Mother Superior and other high BG officials, but this... this was crossing the line. She knew that the Reverend Mother Sheeana had left pawn status behind at a fairly young age, but even she had been older than this Julia. Who so far showed no skill with sandworms. A girl of thirteen Standard Years who claimed to be from another dimension... Mother Superior should have sent her to an insane asylum, not loaned her acolytes! And the grand plan they were working for? A play about Muad'Dib! Who remembered him, after the Tyrant? Even if she was only an acolyte, Linchine was still a proud member of the Sisterhood. And here she was, serving _male_ actors younger than herself, doing this unglorified go-fer job for an effort to glorify the time when the Sisterhood's dreams had wriggled out of their grasp and begun twisting into the nightmare that had been the Tyrant.

She continued fuming to herself as she reached the door. She didn't knock but simply shoved the door open. Looking into the room, she saw the source of the tiresome request she had just fulfilled: A raven-haired boy about the same age as that cursed Julia. A lesser girl might have fallen for him. Linchine just might have, if she hadn't been working herself up for the past ten minutes to the point where she could barely restrain her senseless anger.

She thrust the steaming token of her service at him so hard that the brown liquid almost slopped out. _Coffee without spice. What's the point? _ "Here you go..._Sasuke_," she hissed, spitting his name at him.

Somehow seeing the go-fer so mad made Sasuke want to fight back. "Since you're my go-fer, shouldn't you be addressing me as _Mr._ Uchiha?" he said coolly, taking the cup from her.

Linchine snapped. "Since when am I _your_ go-fer? And I'm already having enough trouble telling you apart from the other Uchiha here!"

Sasuke stiffened and stared at her as though she had just appeared out of thin air. _What was it I said?_ thought Linchine nervously. Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "So _he's_ here then..." He abruptly rose and strode purposefully out the door, which Linchine had left open. The forgotten coffee teetered on the arm of the chair then fell to the floor before the acolyte's horrified eyes, releasing a huge stain onto the carpet. Linchine cursed to herself. _Clumsy ungrateful wretch! I wonder what that was all about anyway... _But it wasn't an acolyte's job to question. She stooped to the carpet to survey the damage. Questioning wasn't her job, but sadly cleaning up was.

**A/N: Wow. Didn't intend for that part to be so long. A creative rush showed up, grabbed me, and started pulling me along. I have no idea where it came from. Wish I did, though. Maybe then I could make them come on command... Maybe I should have Linchine in another scene (Maybe Gaara since she hates fetching coffee so much?); she was fun to write(even though she hates me and the play--because of it even!) Hey, Mr. DuPepper (my English teacher's nickname), I used a semicolon in that last sentence! What was I talking about again? Oh, right. I know Sasuke may have been a bit OOC, but I had to set things up for poor Linchine to let it slip who else is sharing the stage...**

Meanwhile, on the stage, the scenery had changed the setting from the open, reassuring Castle Caladan to a shadowed room with a backdrop prominently featuring a griffin crest. There was a large table center stage, surrounded by chairs, where three figures were sitting. On it was a globe, spun by a hand reaching out of the darkness. The world portrayed by the globe was a uniform caramel color, save the cloud-milk diamonds that were the polar caps. The blue of open water was nowhere to be seen.

The hand stopped the globe in its tracks. Its owner spoke, using a voice in which the taint of evil plans could easily be heard. "There it is, Piter -- the biggest mantrap in all history. And the Duke's headed into its jaws. Is it not a magnificent thing that I, the Baron Vladimir Harkonnen, do?"

"Assuredly, Baron," replied a more visible figure, a little too visible for those who weren't fans of green skintight bodysuits. Rock Lee really was trying to get into the excitement of the thing, but he was having to jump the hurdle of not being content with his part. **(A/N: Sorry Lee!)** Nonetheless, he was also showing acting skills he never knew he had. He managed to pretend to be hanging on the speaker's every word.

"Could anyone mistake this place? Arrakis! Truly unique. A superb setting for a unique victory."

Lee forced a smile and answered back with his own line. "And to think, Baron: the Padishah Emperor believes he's given the Duke your spice planet. How poignant."

"That's a nonsensical statement. You say this to confuse young Feyd-Rautha, but it is not necessary to confuse my nephew."

The third figure stirred and sat up straight, red eyes staring at the other two. Unaware that his younger brother was currently embarking on a mad search for him backstage, Uchiha Itachi was apathetically waiting for his lines.

But the next line was Lee's. "That Atreides fool answered us, Baron!"

"Whenever did an Atreides refuse the opportunity for a gesture? Well, what does he say?"

"He's most uncouth, Baron. Addresses you as 'Harkonnen'-- no title, nothing."

"It's a good name. What does dear Leto say?"

"He says: 'Your offer of a meeting is refused. I have ofttimes met your treachery and this all men know.' He signs it: 'Duke Leto of Arrakis.'" Lee gave off an evil-sounding laugh and was appalled at how easily it came to him. "Of Arrakis! Almost too rich!"

"Be silent, Piter," said the voice from the shadows. Lee suddenly found he could and did stop the laughing completely in about half a second. "He phrases his response so I know he means it."

"You made the peace gesture," replied Lee. "The forms have been obeyed."

"For a Mentat, you talk too much, Piter."

They continued on in this manner until... "Have you been chewing verite, Piter?"

It was in the script, but Lee took it personally. "IF I WAS ON TRUTH DRUGS, YOU THINK I'D BE PRETENDING I WAS HAPPY TO BE IN THIS PLAY!" **(A/N: Should have been interrobangs there.)**

In the midst of the awkward silence, Itachi said to himself, "My uncle cannot talk to his Mentat without arguing. Do they think I've nothing to do except listen their arguments? Hold on, WHY IS THERE A TYPO IN THE SCRIPT?"

"Sorry," replied the director's calm voice, "There's a typo in the book. Or at least I _think_ Herbert meant to write 'listen _to_ their arguments'..."

"Well, maybe you should try editing the script so it doesn't make ME look stupid," answered Itaqhi hotly. "HEY! YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE! THE 'Q' KEY ISN'T ANYWHERE NEAR 'C', DOBE!" He turned to the wings to find a witness. His red eyes made contact with the white ones of a certain long-haired boy.

Neji stepped forward. "Fine, I admit to watching Julia with the Byakugan. And she's usually a very good typist. Though I can say in her defense, you lost your temper and called her dobe, which was very OOC of you."

"Thanks Neji," said Julia, and turned back to her computer, muttering, "Yeah, the weasel's definitely next in line for the dartboard."

"WHAT?" yelled Itachi.

"Nothing." Julia smirked and turned back to her flawless typing.

**A/N: Okay, you're probably wondering where the line "The weasel's definitely next in line for the dartboard" came from. Or maybe you're not. Regardless, I'm still going to publish the amazing story of how this line came to be. See, last Friday my friend Hannah and I spent the afternoon at the house of another friend, Maddy. It was discovered that Maddy had accidentally printed 15 copies of the cover page of the Naruto manga chapter 166: a full page entirely taken up by Orochimaru's face, complete with freakish tongue stuck way out. Well... Let's just say that taping them to a dartboard was my idea. And Maddy happened to have a dartboard and darts in her house. Not magnetic ones either, but real, pointy darts that will leave holes in a picture taped to the dartboard (and in the wall if your aim is bad...). Playing darts is a lot more fun when you find yourself saying, "That tongue is so big... Why is it so darn hard to hit?" And a friend quotes Rock Lee during the Chuunin exam: "If you throw a rock at a pole, it will miss, but if you throw to miss, it will hit." (I answered that perhaps we should then try to hit Maddy's wall so it wouldn't keep gaining new holes.) We moved to the computer after going through two Orochimarus and unanimously deciding on Itachi as our next victim. Then Maddy and I saw a website that explained the meanings of names in Naruto, and one of the few that made any sense was "Itachi: weasel or skunk". And there you have it, my wonderful line! Ummmm... Back to the action!**

The Baron Harkonnen stepped from the shadows at last. The scene with Itachi had more or less ruined any further attempt at suspense. In case you hadn't guessed, the Baron was revealed to be the one and only (Thank goodness!) Orochimaru. "Feyd, I told you to listen and learn when I invited you in here. Are you learning?"

"Yes, Uncle," replied Itachi.

"Look at Piter. This is a Mentat, Feyd, a human computer. It has been trained and conditioned to perform certain duties. The fact that it is human, however, must not be overlooked. A serious drawback, that. I sometimes think the ancients with their thinking machines had the right idea."

"They were toys compared to me," interrupted Lee, even more unhappy with his role since he found out who his "master" was. "You yourself, Baron, could outperform those machines."

Then, at the "Baron"'s command, he began to outline the evil plan to bring about the total destruction of House Atreides by distracting the Duke's Mentat and making him suspect the Lady Jessica and then the real traitor would move and Harkonnen troops and the Emperor's Sardaukar and blah blah blah blah...

Itachi didn't listen. He simply thought, _It's not that hard to exterminate a great family. I've done it myself, after all..._

**So there you have it. So far I've been accomplishing my goal of one chapter a week... But I have a week of vacation this week, so hopefully I'll be able to do more! I'm going to start now, as I got myself on a sugar high so I could finish this chapter and am now singing along to my iPod (which is set to shuffle) at the top of my lungs. Scary, I know. The last time this happened while I was reading Naruto FanFiction, the song "Uptown Girl" came on, and I spent what seemed like hours singing "Leaf Town Girl" over and over as loud as I possibly could... Ahem Thank goodness my parents were not home:)**

**Next chap: I haven't written it yet so how should I know? But there is likely to be a peek at Hinata's role. Then there's Thufir Hawat and Gurney Halleck... Who will be playing them? You'll just have to wait and see!**


	5. Stage Dreams

Chapter 4. Stage "Dreams"

**I know more than two people are reading this, so where are the reviews? I will personally reply to anyone else who reviews, and mention you in these author notes! So what are you waiting for? And if I've inspired any Dune readers, please tell me! I know the reason I took my parents' suggestion that I should read Dune was because I watched the_Children of Dune _miniseries on DVD with them and hardly understood any of it. So does that mean I'm ruining your curiosity by not cutting out as much as I should?**

**selle18: Thanks for sending another review. We do need some way to reach out to all Dune/Naruto fans! BEWARE THE MONSTERS OF THE SAND! (That's Shukaku and Shai-Hulud. Funny how they start with the same "sh" sound...)**

**Hannah/KazeKage Shad: You're right: Darts equals Love! (At least that's what we'll tell Itachi and Orochimaru...) You know, some people would say Pink equals Love, too...;)**

**Everyone who liked my purposeful typos in the last chapter: Two days after that chapter was published, I got a fortune cookie that said "You life will be happy and peaceful." Go figure.**

**Vacation week is turning out busier than I expected, so I have to balance my writing with the rest of my "happy and peaceful" life.**

**On with the story!**

So far, Sasuke's search was unsuccessful, since the enemies of Konoha were being kept in a different part of the building so that no Jutsus would be used and no shurikens, kunais, or darts would be thrown, at least until the play was over. The avenger couldn't wait 'til then, so he decided to seek out the director, in the hopes that she could be made to reveal Itachi's location. **(A/N: Fat chance! I just said I didn't want any blood spilled backstage, remember?) (Sorry, that was my inner talking.)**

He proceeded to enlist the help of the first person he encountered while running down the strangely deserted halls. This happened to be Kiba.

Acting calm as always, Sasuke simply ordered, "Kiba, help me find the director."

"Fine," replied the startled boy with a small, equally startled dog peeking out of his coat. "But with so many people rushing around, how do I know which one is the director?"

Sasuke answered impatiently, "She's the one whose Konoha headband is obviously fake!"

"Hey!" said Julia, appearing behind him. She was in fact wearing the described headband, pushed back from her forehead the way Sakura always wore hers. "I'll have you know I made this myself and I'm proud of it!"** (A/N: Yes, I can tell when one of the actors insults my headband. Just go along with it!)**

"Hey, you're right! A fake headband!" exclaimed Kiba. After being glared at by the girl who, after all, was in charge of the whole fanfic, he continued, "You know, that's the best counterfeit ninja headband I've ever seen!" (Which was technically true, it being the only counterfeit headband he'd ever seen.) "Is it duct tape?"

"No," answered the annoyed fashion guru (who had already been asked this question more times than she could count), "it's metallic posterboard. I penciled on the symbol and went over it with a Sharpie. And no, Sasuke, I'm not going to tell you where Itachi is."

"How do you know about that?" asked Sasuke, who had been caught off guard by her perceptiveness.

"I'm the one who just typed it up." She abruptly changed the subject. "Sasuke, your scene is coming up. Aren't you supposed to be getting ready?"

**A/N: It appears that I am now doing these to mark scene breaks. As for that last scene: I will quote one of my friends: "Randomness is the spice of life." Kitty, if you're reading this, know that I DID make you a headband over vacation. It's a Sound one, to match Anna's, but with a different color band. You can tell the rest of the Anime Club that I'm taking orders for them. Almost as good as the real thing, and a lot cheaper! We can even keep Hannah from hogging all the Sand ones! Anyway... Back to the story! **

Meanwhile, on stage...

The Caladan scenery was back, and so were Temari and TenTen. The dark-haired girl spoke first. "Well, Jessica, what have you to say for yourself?"

"So I had a son!" snapped Temari.

"You were told to bear only daughters to the Atreides."

"It meant so much to him."

"And you in your pride thought you could produce the Kwisatz Haderach!"

"I sensed the possibility."

"You thought only of your Duke's desire for a son. An Atreides daughter could have been wed to a Harkonnen heir and sealed the breach. We may lose both bloodlines now."

A dramatic silence reigned until TenTen turned away, saying, "What's done is done. Now summon the boy."

Temari did so, and Naruto entered.

"Young man, let's return to this dream business," said TenTen.

"What do you want?" asked Naruto.

"Do you dream every night?"

"Not dreams worth remembering. I can remember every dream, but some are worth remembering and some aren't."

"How do you know the difference?"

"I just know it."

TenTen looked thoughtful, then asked, "What did you dream last night? Was it worth remembering?"

"Yes." He closed his eyes, and a semitransparent curtain **(A/N: It's called a scrim, by the way.)** was lowered from above, separating the stage into two parts. Mysterious-sounding music began playing, and the lighting dropped to an almost nonexistent level, except for the wriggling patterns of light that reflect off of water, which were projected onto the rear wall. Then, a single spotlight came on and focused on upstage center. **(A/N: For those of you who've never learned stage blocking, a phrase which here means "A fancy way of telling an actor where they're supposed to stand,"(No, I don't own A Series Of Unfortunate Events either, so don't even think about suing!) "Upstage" means "to the back of the stage, farther away from the audience." "Downstage," therefore, is the area of the stage closer to the audience. And for future reference, "stage right" and "stage left" are from the actor's point of view.)** There stood Hinata, her signature blush creeping across her face as she felt the eyes of the whole audience rest on her.

Naruto continued, "I dreamed a cavern... and water... and a girl there--very skinny with big eyes. Her eyes are all blue, no whites in them. I talk to her and tell her about you, about seeing the Reverend Mother on Caladan."

Still in the dark, TenTen asked, "And the thing you tell this strange girl about seeing me, did it happen today?"

A pause followed, then Naruto spoke again. "Yes. I tell the girl you came and put a stamp of strangeness on me."

"Stamp of strangeness..." She trailed off. "Tell me truly, now, Paul, do you often have dreams of things that happen afterward exactly as you dreamed them?"

"Yes. And I've dreamed about that girl before."

"Oh? You know her?"

"I will know her."

"Tell me about her."

"We're in a little place in some rocks where it's sheltered. It's almost night, but it's hot and I can see patches of sand out of an opening in the rocks. We're... waiting for something... for me to go meet some people. And she's frightened but trying to hide it from me, and I'm excited. And she says..." He paused, because that was the cue for Hinata's only line in this scene.

Hinata did her best to rise to the occasion. She tried not to stutter as she recited her line, but trying to control her voice only made her more tense. "T-Tell me about the w-waters of your homeworld, Usul."

The lights snapped back on over the front part of the stage, drawing attention away from the rising scrim and Hinata's exit. Naruto immediately picked up his monologue again. "Isn't that strange? My homeworld's Caladan. I've never even heard of a planet called Usul..." A long pause followed. "But maybe she was calling me Usul. I just thought of that. She asks me to tell her about the waters. And I tell her a poem, but I have to explain some of the words--like beach and surf and seaweed and seagulls."

"Young man," said TenTen, "as a Proctor of the Bene Gesserit, I seek the Kwisatz Haderach, the male who truly can become one of us. Your mother sees this possibility in you, but she sees with the eyes of a mother. Possibility I see, too, but no more." She then turned to Temari, who had been watching the whole thing. "You've been training him in the Way--I've seen the signs of it. I'd have done the same in your shoes and devil take the Rules." Then she spoke to Naruto again. "Goodbye, young human. I hope you make it. But if you don't--well, we shall yet succeed."

**A/N: Another scene break. I might as well include another random thought. This morning I was thinking about casting Shino as Count Fenring. He definitely seems very imposing and mysterious. The coat, the ever-present sunglasses... Then I had a revelation about the sunglasses! Anybody else watch the show Strange Days at Blake Holsey High? Remember the "Pheremones" episode? It had a conversation that went like this:**

**Josie: Are sunglasses...the new "thing"?**

**Girl: What sunglasses?**

**And it turned out sunglasses were just one way that people were acting weird. And then it was discovered that their strange behavior was because they were turning into part-humans-part-bees, which are BUGS! And it was suggested that the sunglasses were to hide the fact that they were developing compound eyes. Does any of this have anything to do with Shino and his sunglasses-wearing habits? I don't know. But maybe we should spray him with licorice-root tea and see what happens? Does anyone have any allergy medication?**

Sadly, the authoress had imposed a deadline of one chapter a week on herself. Missing it wouldn't have been such a big deal, especially with the knowledge that she had spent some of her writing time on another project, but Rock Lee had offered to let her run laps around Konoha with him if she missed the self-imposed deadline. This turned out to be very helpful, as, thanks to her gym class, she was morally opposed to running laps, especially with Youth-inspired kids in spandex. But to avoid this fate, she sadly was forced to not write in the scene with Paul and Thufir Hawat (who just happened to be played by Gai). **(A/N: Please don't use the idea of Mentats played by Youth-obsessed guys in spandex as evidence of my insanity. Use the above babble about Shino and Blake Holsey High instead. Incidentally, I suspect L from Death Note of being a Mentat.)** Instead, she skipped directly to the entrance of Gurney Halleck.

"So you don't even have a good morning for me, you young imp."

"Well, Iruka-sensei, I mean Gurney, do we come prepared for music when it's fighting time?" recited Naruto, almost flawlessly. Almost being the key word. Needless to say, he was somewhat distracted by the presence of his old Ninja Academy teacher on the stage.

"So it's sass for our elders today," said Iruka as he set up a strange stringed instrument, which it would turn out was called a baliset.

"Isn't Duncan Idaho supposed to be teaching me weaponry?"

"He's gone to lead the second wave onto Arrakis. All you have left is poor Gurney, who's spoiling for music. And it was decided in council that you being such a poor fighter we'd best teach you the music trade so you wouldn't waste your life entirely."

"Maybe you'd better sing me a lay then. I want to be sure how _not_ to do it."

**A/N: Lee: Well, it's midnight, so you were supposed to finish yesterday. I was too tired to go on after only 459 pushups. Let's get started on those laps! Julia: (grabs Sakura and waves her in front of Lee) Toro, Toro! Wait, that means "bull". Ummm... El Menor Monstre Verde! Lee: Unhand her! My precious Sakura! Julia: RUN! (Julia and Sakura end up running the equivalent of several laps around Konoha in order to escape Lee)**

(Back to the main story) Iruka laughed and started playing the baliset and singing. Whaddya know, he had a really good voice. His fan club began squealing and/or fainting in delight. (He must have a fan club somewhere. It wouldn't be fair for everyone else to have one and not him, right?) Only problem was, the song would probably have suited Jiraiya better.

_Oh-h-h, the Galacian girls_

_Will do it for pearls,_

_And the Arrakeen for water!_

_But if you desire dames_

_Like consuming flames,_

_Try a Caladanin daughter!_

But then, right when Julia thought she was having success keeping her friends out of her fic, Anna and Kitty, two of her friends who happened to believe that they were vampires, chose that moment to run across the stage. They were still carrying the huge mallets they had used to beat up a guy named Pat on episode 3 of the Insanity Talk Show, and were still hopped up on the Red Bull they had had to celebrate that event. In the process of running across the stage, they stopped to look at Iruka.

"Hammer time!" they shouted joyfully as the mallets went to work on another unfortunate randomly selected victim.

5 minutes later, after the duo had run out the exit, probably in search of more Red Bull, Malia, being the strongest of Julia's friends, picked the unconscious Iruka off the floor. She looked down at him uncertainly, then looked out to the audience. She called out, "Anyone want to buy a slightly beaten-up Chuunin?" Several audience members showed interest. "Can I hear fifty dollars?"

"Fifty dollars!" shouted a random girl.

"Sixty!" yelled another random girl, who we shall call "Random Girl #2".

"Seventy-five!" That was a third random girl, henceforth to be known as "Random Girl #3".

A while later... "Sold! To Random Girl #2,563 for fifty million dollars and taking the whole Pollard Middle School Anime Club to Ichiraku Ramen(which would probably be even more expensive, trust me)!"

Then Julia finally showed up. "Malia, what are you doing?"

"We're going to Ichiraku!"

"Oh, good! But... No, Malia, we can't do this! It's breaking the rules! No auctioning off the actors, at least until the show is over!"

"That's not a rule."

"Well I'm making it a rule now! No auctioning off the actors! By the way, he should have woken up by now. Call Assistant Director Tsunade!"

Tsunade immediately appeared and bent to examine Iruka. She lifted her head and asked, "Has he been attacked by teenage vampires drinking Red Bull and wielding mallets recently?"

"How do you know about that?" asked the would-be auctioneer.

"Diagnosis is an important thing for a medic-nin to learn," replied Tsunade, as she summoned a medic team to take Iruka away. The Fifth herself had to stay on stage to deal with the angry fangirl who had just been deprived of her beloved ninja teacher, yet had managed to keep her ridiculous sums of money.

"Too bad," remarked Julia. "I really did want to include Paul and Gurney's swordfight practice scene. I guess they'll just have to read the book. Or become Girl Scouts(inside joke)."

A/N: And I'm done at last. Tomorrow is Monday. Oh joy. That just goes to show what I am willing to give for my readers: Namely, my sleep. You're welcome. (Sorry if that came out sounding sarcastic. What can you expect, this time of night?)


	6. The Vast Ramen Conspiracy

Chapter 5: The Vast Ramen Conspiracy

**Warning: Nonfic stuff continues until the bold message that was put there for the convenience of people who don't want to read all the stuff in this chapter that is not part of the fic. Most of the space is taken up by descriptions of the OCs, who, if you pay attention, you will discover are actually people. As in, they live on the same planet as you. Now there's something to keep you up at night.**

"I see these children with their boredom and their vacant stares..." That may have described readers who don't know my friends after reading that last chapter. (Thanks selle18 for warning me!) Sorry if you were one of the vacant starers, but I plan to include my friends at least a few more times over the course of the fic. (The line in quotes, by the way, is from "No Man's Land", one of two Billy Joel songs my songfic-loving mind has associated with Dune. The other is "The Stranger", which goes perfectly with Alia in _Children of Dune_.) So I'll tell you about my friends here so you can have some idea of the people I'm writing about: (Further explanations will be put in the pre-fic author notes of the chapters they are needed in.)

**Malia:** Today in English class, we agreed that the people who wrote myths where girls are beautiful and delicate and boys are unruly obviously didn't know her. She has a habit of growling when angered. She's also proven herself able to consume endless amounts of ramen and soba noodles. Most of all, she happens to be the most productive artist in our group. She is currently drawing a comic called "The Insanity Talk Show", which I mentioned briefly in the last chap, so I'll explain it here. There's a show, the hosts are Malia, Hannah, and an OC, and various people appear as guests. The mentioned episode featured Anna, Kitty, and Pat(a member of our school's anime club), and the latter got beat up with mallets by the two others, who then had Red Bull to celebrate. This was the inspiration for the ending of the last chapter. The only thing that still needs to be said about Malia is that she's a Kakashi fan.

**Anna and Kitty:** Vampires. Randomness. Sound nin headbands. That's pretty much it. I myself have never seen them on Red Bull and I hope it stays that way. In case you don't know what Red Bull is: It's pure caffeine, that's what it is! And I don't know about Kitty, but Anna certainly doesn't need it. Might as well mention here: We tell Kitty she loves Grima Wormtongue from Lord of the Rings. She insists that she doesn't love him and doesn't hate him. We tell her she's in denial. She denies she's in denial. If you need any more evidence that our whole club needs help: We don't call him Wormtongue. We call him Grima Mushroom! Then when we get tired of arguing about Grima, we debate Kitty's suggestion that Ed "McElric" from Full Metal Alchemist is Irish. Yeah, we definitely need help.

**Hannah:** Everything you need to know about her can be summed up in four words: Loves Gaara, Hates Pink. It might also be useful to know that she likes certain songs on my iPod (I can count them on one hand), so she hogs it whenever she gets the chance. Her favorite of these songs include a Swedish rapper called Markoolio, and "That's My New Philosophy" from the musical "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown". In a way, she's more dangerous than Malia because there are so many things that drive her nuts, such as hearing any of us say "Believe it!" in any context(apparently the only dubbed voice she's ever liked was Gaara.) And sometimes she's nuts without anything having to drive her. And I almost forgot: She likes explosions. And songs about monkeys named Bob. And I owe her the chance to be in this story because she makes up exactly 50 of my reviewers.

On an unrelated note: I'm serious about abridging the scenes this time!

**The Nonfic stuff ends here.**

Since Iruka was unable to finish the scene, the play skipped to the entrance of Dr. Yueh. As Hyuuga Neji stepped onto the stage, his fangirls leaped as one upon the fangirls involved in the Iruka auction and silenced them.

_Well,_ thought Julia in the wings, _that worked like a charm. _(A/N: Yes, I confess to stealing that line from The Insanity Talk Show!)

"You'll be happy to hear we haven't time for regular lessons today." Neji's tone indicated that the hilarious scene that had just unfolded had left him in what could almost be called a good mood. "Your father will be along presently."

Naruto looked up hopefully.

"However," Neji continued, "I've arranged for you to have a filmbook viewer and several lessons during the crossing to Arrakis. You'll be studying the planet's terranic life forms. Before I go, I've a gift for you, something I came across in packing." He took out a tiny device, which from the audience could not be seen for what it was, a small snakebite kit that had been dressed up by the props department. **(AN(Dropping the , too troublesome, as Shika would say): We have a props department! I'm splitting up the interrobang in the last sentence, let's see if it makes it. BTW, I just pictured the device as looking like a snakebite kit, so in the fic, it is.)** "It's a very old Orange Catholic Bible made for space travelers. Not a filmbook, but actually printed on filament paper. It has its own magnifier and electrostatic charge system. The book is held closed by the charge, which forces against spring-locked covers. You press the edge--thus, and the pages you've selected repel each other and the book opens."

"It's so small," answered Naruto, staring blankly at the one example of cool technology he'd seen so far in the play, which was supposed to be science fiction. Well, except for the box used in the test. Apparently he'd been too busy acting out being in pain to notice.

"But it has eighteen hundred pages. You press the edge--thus, and so... and the charge moves ahead one page at a time as you read. Try it." The device was handed over to the eager blond.

As Naruto became absorbed in the tiny "Bible", Neji stage-whispered to the audience so it was clear that Naruto could not hear. _"I salve my own conscience. I give him the surcease of religion before betraying him."_

Naruto, apparently still clueless as he was supposed to be, interrupted, saying, "This must have been made before filmbooks."

"It's quite old. Let it be our secret, eh? Your parents might think it too valuable for one so young. Open it to four-sixty-seven Kalima--where it says 'From water does all life begin.' There's a slight notch on the edge of the cover to mark the place. Read it aloud."

Naruto pretended to do something with the snakebite kit, and started reciting. "Think you of the fact that a deaf person cannot hear. Then, what deafness may we not all possess? What senses do we lack that we cannot see and cannot hear another world all around us? What is there around us that we cannot--" He looked up to see Neji in a controlled panic. "Is something wrong?"

"I'm sorry. That was... my... dead wife's favorite passage. It's not the one I intended you to read. It brings up memories that are... painful."

Neji then hurriedly changed the subject. "Your father will be here any minute. Put the book away and read it at your leisure."

Naruto put the "book" away. "I thank you for the gift, Dr. Yueh. It will be our secret. If there is a gift or favor you wish from me, please do not hesitate to ask." **(AN: Books should be edited by making the editors copy the book word for word. I'm catching so many mistakes this way. At least I think they're mistakes. The original said "gift of favor", but "or" makes more sense. At least I get to rub it in for poor Itachi:P)**

"I... need for nothing," answered Neji. He turned and hurriedly left the stage. Naruto looked after him, clearly wondering _What's with him?_

**:(AN: This is the new way of marking scene breaks.)**

In the next scene, Sasuke made his entrance at last. He wore a black costume with the red Atreides hawk on it. A fangirl or two had to be kicked out for uninhibited drooling.

He didn't care. He looked boldly at Naruto and said, "Hard at work, _Son?_"

"Not very hard," answered Naruto. "Everything's so..." He trailed off and shrugged, as scripted.

"Yes. Well, tomorrow we leave. It'll be good to get settled in our new home, put all this upset behind."

"_Father_," answered Naruto, still making it evident that he hated having to say the word, "will Arrakis be as dangerous as everyone says?"

"It'll be dangerous."

They continued the conversation. Rather than type it, I will simply tell you that it involved plans for allying themselves with the Fremen, the desert people of Arrakis(which if you hadn't figured out, is nicknamed Dune, hence the title of the book.) and how the Harkonnens were stockpiling spice, intending for spice production to fail and blame to fall on the Atreides. Then, in an abrupt subject change, they ended up talking about the Spacing Guild which would transport them to Dune and why nobody had ever seen the mysterious Guildsmen who reportedly steered the giant spaceships.

"Do you think they hide because they've mutated and don't look... _human_ anymore?"

The casting department, aka Julia, cast an appraising look at Kisame.

**(AN: I don't think I'll end up doing Dune Messiah/Children of Dune, but I do want to see Kisame playing a Guild navigator. They are described as looking as much like fish as like humans, so A: No human being besides Kisame could look the part and B: Kisame could not look the part of any other human being.)**

The next scene began with Temari alone on a new set, a different royal house that gave the impression of having an overabundance of empty, echoing space. She was surrounded by piles of boxes, crates, and cases, some open and spilling packing material onto the stage. The fake window now showed a view of a bustling, dust-colored desert city. This was to represent the city of Arrakeen, but in fact, it was based on Suna, because it had been painted by the Sand Siblings. The paint was still wet; the project had taken longer than expected because instead of painting the scenery as they were supposed to, Kankuro and Temari had been splattering each other with paint while Gaara took time out to watch them.

While the authoress was reminiscing about the Sand Sibs' all-out paint fight, Temari was unwrapping a painting from one of the boxes. She looked at it and said, "This is the Duke's father. Why did I unwrap it first?"

"Here we are!" She turned around to see who had spoken. It was Sasuke. "I thought you might have lost yourself in this hideous place."

What followed was a one-on-one conversation that, both of them being good actors, caused many contented sighs from lovers of random and unlikely pairings. Sadly, it was judged not important enough to type up, since this chapter was about a week late anyway.

Meanwhile, backstage...

"You know, Julia, I still can't believe you gave up the chance to take the whole Anime Club out to ramen!"

"Malia, you tried to auction off an actor!"

"Hey, we could have been rich!"

"But... well... You could have at least waited until the play was over!"

"Yeah, but then all the characters would be leaving and it would be harder to catch them."

"Well... I guess you're right, but still..."

"Come on, it was _ramen!_ _Raaaameeeen!_"

Seeing her friend could not be reasoned with, Julia looked around to make sure nobody was listening, then whispered, "Malia, there's something I want to show you. Actually, let's find Hannah and show her too."

They set off looking for Hannah. (Malia was actually also looking for some sign of her favorite silver-haired sensei too.) Eventually they found her setting out camp outside Gaara's room, humming "That's My New Philosophy" with her eyes closed in musical rapture.

"Hannah," said Malia loudly, interrupting her, "Julia has something she wants to show us, so come on so we can get this over with."

"No," said Hannah cheerfully. "No. No. No."

The other two girls stared at her.

"That's your new philosophy, huh?" continued Hannah. She then answered herself, "Yes--I mean no!" She started singing. "Just like a busy bee, each new philosophy--"

"HANNAH! PAY ATTENTION TO US!" yelled Malia, slapping Hannah on the back of the head for good measure.

"_Heeeey!_" replied Hannah, turning to face Malia.

Julia stepped in before things could get any worse. "Look, I'm going to show you the reason why I turned down the ramen offer."

"I thought it was because Malia was trying to auction off your actors," answered Hannah.

"Well..." said Julia in reply, "It was that, but there's another reason! Come see!"

She took her friends' hands and led them to a door that somehow they hadn't noticed before. She took out a key and unlocked the door. It led to a small room in which lay... another key.

Taking that key, Julia then dragged her friends to another previously unnoticed door. She theatrically unlocked this door and slowly opened it. Her friends stepped in...

...and found themselves in a HUGE storeroom with rows and rows of shelves that were completely filled with, what else, ramen packs.

Hannah and Malia both had that kind of facial expression that can only be described by an emoticon, namely O.O **(AN: I've always wanted to do one of those!)**

Then they turned on Julia.

"Why do you have all the ramen locked up here?" asked Malia.

"Yeah, and where did you get all this ramen anyway?" asked Hannah.

Julia smiled. "I'm the author, so all I have to do is write about a secret room full of ramen and here it is! And it's locked up so that A: You guys can't go ramen-crazy while I'm not there and B: Naruto doesn't find it. Well, really it's so none of the characters find it, but Naruto is the one I'm worried about most."

In fact, at the moment Naruto was watching them through the door, which they had left ajar after going to all the trouble of locking it with a key that was locked behind another door that required yet another key. **(AN: I was thinking of having a third door, but...)**

"WHAT? They hid all the ramen from me? This is a conspiracy! I WILL have revenge!" And with that, he stole a few nearby ramen packs and slunk off to plot the downfall of the Vast Ramen Conspiracy.

**AN: PROCRASTINATORS OF THE WORLD UNITE! ... Maybe tomorrow? Yeah, I know, after saying I'd do a chapter a week, this one took two weeks. My writing has been suffering from what I'm calling "writer's block" (coughlazinesscough). I blame this partially on boredom, because when I'm supposed to be writing I'm actually thinking about random things to add in later chapters. So my next update will be an Extra-Random Bonus Chapter, to get it out of my system. There will be crossovers, more of my friends, and absolutely NOTHING to do with the rest of the plot (that's why I'm calling it a bonus chapter). After that I'll try to go back to Dune, once I've gotten rid of the quote-unquote "writer's block".**


	7. Extra Random Bonus Chapter

Extra Random Bonus Chapter

**This is called a "Bonus Chapter" because it has nothing, I repeat, NOTHING to do with the rest of the plot. If you don't understand a thing, it doesn't matter, I just have these ideas in my head and want them published. As far as I can tell, all that needs to be explained is: Malia hates Misa from the manga Death Note. Hannah, on the other hand, argues with Malia all the time in Misa's defense. And Kitty still thinks Ed Elric is Irish and his name should be "McElric". In fact, she now also thinks that Ed is really herself in disguise. And I can't forget the disclaimer: I have no idea why you'd think I own Death Note or Full Metal Alchemist. In fact, I had to beg Malia just for the chance to read volume 4 of DN, and my knowledge of FMA is almost completely restricted to what I hear my friends talking about at lunchtime. (This is why I knew about Gaara and Kakashi even before I had been exposed to anything else Naruto-related. It came from spending a semester of art class with Malia and Hannah.) And no, I don't own my friends either. Or so they think...**

**Anyway, here's the promised bonus chap. Let the randomness begin!**

As Naruto left the Room of Ramen Wonders, he was pondering how in the world the director had managed to hide a huge room full of ramen, not only from him but from every ninja on the set. _Why didn't I notice that door before? What else could she be hiding?_

Determined to uncover the answers, Naruto set out to explore the mysterious place the cast was being kept in. He kept his eyes peeled for more doors that hadn't been noticed, hoping to find another ramen treasure trove.

Instead, he found himself turning into a hallway that, predictably, he hadn't noticed was there. _This hallway is really creepy_, he thought. _It reminds me of the one leading to Kyuubi's cage..._ But this hall didn't have the same sewer-like appearance as the demon's prison. It was the supernatural aura that was similar.

Naruto looked up to see a large banner strung across the ceiling. The huge letters painted on it said CROSSOVERS. Beyond the banner were doors. Lots of doors. Doors and doors and doors as far as he could see, and he got the impression that they went on forever.

_I've got to uncover the conspiracy. I can't turn back now._ He slowly walked down the great, echoing hall of doors. Most of the doors were closed, except for one that was marked REALITY. Naruto peered in and saw what would appear to be a girl's bedroom. The director was sitting at a desk, typing on a computer. She was listening to an iPod nano at the same time, and was singing softly to herself.

Naruto turned away from that door and turned to a smaller one. Unlike all the others, this one was unmarked. He turned the knob and the door opened to reveal a seemingly empty closet. Naruto turned, and headed off toward the other doors without closing it.

_Meanwhile..._

Julia, Hannah, and Malia had finished exploring the Room of Ramen Wonders. As they left, Hannah began singing (again).

"I saw my baby, trying hard as babe could try...What could I do?...My baby's fun had gone...And left my baby blue...Nobody knew... What kind of magic spell to use...Slime and snails...or puppy dogs' tails...Thunder and lightning...Something frightening?...Then baby said..."

Suddenly Kimimaro appeared out of nowhere and joined Hannah in singing. "Dance the magic dance(Dance, magic dance)...Dance the magic dance(Dance, magic dance)...Put that baby spell on me...Jump the magic jump(Jump, magic jump)...Jump the magic jump(Jump, magic jump)...Put that magic jump on me...Slap that baby, make him free!"

Julia and Malia's facial expressions at that point can be approximated by the following: O.O Their thoughts can be described as a series of interrobangs about the length of this chapter.

Finally they took a break from staring blankly at Hannah and Kimi(Yes, as hypocritical as it may seem, I'm using Hannah's nickname for him) long enough to turn to each other. At long last Julia spoke over the insane singing of the Otonin Five member and the hyper fourteen-year-old they were pretending they didn't know.

"Do you know what this means?"

"The Apocalypse is coming?" guessed Malia.

"No."

Malia thought a while about what this could signify, if not the bitter flowers of Heaven being released upon the earth. (AN: Sorry, couldn't help it. Malia's first and middle names mean "bitter flowers from heaven". So I think we should be more worried about "bitter flowers from heaven" being unleashed on an unsuspecting Kakashi)

"Kimimaro is just as insane as Hannah?" Malia suggested.

"Well..." answered Julia, "it could be that, I guess. But I think I have a more reasonable explanation. Someone must have opened the Closet of Randomness! We'd better go see who did it and make sure they don't cause any more trouble."

"Fine," replied Malia. "Should we bring them?" she asked, gesturing at the strange duet.

They turned back to: Hannah and Kimi, LIVE from outside the Room of Ramen Wonders!

"You remind me of the babe."

"What babe?"

"The babe with the power."

"What power?"

"Power of voodoo."

"Who do?"

"You do!"

"Do what?"

"Remind me of the babe!"

The two sane girls(AN: Not for long, if Hannah's singing!) turned back to each other.

"We'll take Hannah."

**(AN: This is for Hannah, because I promised her she would sing "Magic Dance" from the movie _Labyrinth_, which I do not own either. I looked up the lyrics online. She has recently taken to singing this song all through gym class, except when she is making some pretense of playing volleyball, talking, or singing another song from Labyrinth. I remember she once paused her singing of "Magic Dance" to talk about Kimi, so I decided to make him her singing partner. Plus there's the fact that he would probably be the most bizarre character to see singing. I needed to make it obvious that things were even more insane than usual. This is probably the randomest thing that will happen at any point in this chapter.)**

_Meanwhile, in the Hall of Crossovers..._

Naruto walked up to another door. This one was marked FULL METAL ALCHEMIST. There was a Post-It note on the door that said "Do not open during St. Patrick's Day."

Naruto said to no one in particular, "St. Patrick's Day. Hmmm, I wonder what that is. Speaking of which, what's the date? I know it's March... March... Seventeenth? Yes, that's right, it's March seventeenth."

At that moment, Julia and Malia arrived on the scene. They were carrying Hannah, who was now singing "Chilly Down"(That's the song the Fireys sing, Hannah's second favorite song from Labyrinth) with Kimi, who had followed them to the Hall of Crossovers.

They saw what was about to happen, but could not get there fast enough carrying Hannah. They tried to call out, but their voices were lost in the singing.

Our favorite yellow-haired baka grabbed the knob, seemingly in slow motion, and flung the door wide open.

To make things worse, Kitty and Anna chose that exact moment to return from wherever they had gone off to after their brief appearance a couple chapters ago. Kitty was wearing her St. Patrick's Day best (all green and shamrocks everywhere), since she claimed to be part Irish. Anna was too, so as not to be left out of the fun, even though, as far as I know, she had no claims to Irish blood.

They were there to see Edward Elric walk through the mysterious door.

"Wow, it must be St. Patrick's Day!" exclaimed Kitty, pointing at the confused alchemist. "I think I see a leprechaun!"

"What the-- ARE YOU CALLING ME SHORT! HOW DARE YOU CALL ME SHORT! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!" yelled Ed in response, leaping at the two seemingly defenseless girls.(How do they hide such big mallets anyway?) If you've seen even the first 3 episodes(which is all I've seen), you'll already know how he gets when anyone makes the smallest implication that he is short. (He must have gotten some sort of complex from the fact that his little brother is taller than him.)

"How do you know we were talking about you?" replied Anna. "You're being too defensive. The lady doth protest too much." (AN: She's used that line on Kitty several times when they were arguing about Grima.)

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU CRAZY GIRL?" asked Ed, unable to get out of spaz mode. "GET THIS THROUGH YOUR HEAD: EDWARD ELRIC IS NOT A LADY!"

"Whatever," said Kitty. "Anyway, McElric, you must join us and celebrate your Irish heritage!"

Ed turned on her. His "de-spaz" function seemed to be disabled. Either that or somebody taped down the caps lock button. "I AM NOT IRISH! I'M ALTERNATE-UNIVERSE GERMAN AND PROUD OF IT!" His voice then went from spastic and loud to cold and venomous. "And it's just Elric. NOT McElric. Just Elric. Got it?"

"Yep, he's in denial," said Anna, who decided to switch sides on the issue once she realized how much fun Kitty was having torturing poor Ed. "Shall we then?"

Kitty nodded and the two girls turned as one and leaped on the unsuspecting alchemist. When the dust cloud cleared, Kitty and Anna stepped aside to show everyone their handiwork.

Ed looked down at himself. He was wearing all green. With shamrocks absolutely everywhere. The biggest shamrock of all was on his new bright green T-shirt, surrounded by the words "KISS ME, I'M IRISH!" Not a single letter of that message was obscured by the name tag that read "Edward McElric". But the worst was yet to come. On top of his head was a giant green foam leprechaun hat.

Hannah finally stopped singing to join her friends in rolling on the floor and laughing their heads off. (Julia and Malia had been doing this ever since they had heard Ed having to insist that he was not a lady.)

"Grrrrr..." was all Ed could say. He burst out, "CALLING ALL PROUD ALTERNATE-UNIVERSE GERMANS! COME STAND BESIDE ME AND CORRECT THIS MASSIVE INJUSTICE!"

Just then, a door marked HOWL'S MOVING CASTLE flew open. Howl ran out, wearing just a towel. His hair was bright orange and he was screaming.

"Sophie! How dare you mess with my magic potions again!" He gave off a melodramatic sigh. "I'm hideous. I see no point in living if I can't be beautiful."

Kitty pointed at the interrupting towel-clad man. "Holy cow, he's Irish, too!"

Anna gave her a conspiratorial smile. "We should cover him with our St. Patrick's Day clothes before that towel falls off."

They took out more green and shamrock clothing and prepared to pounce on Howl.

But Howl, seeing Ed's misfortune, saw what was about to happen. Before the Irish girls could attack, he grabbed Ed's hand and the two ran off to wherever alternate-universe German bishies go when they are seeking refuge from insane girls with a neverending supply of green clothing.

**AN: Last week in Anime Club we watched _Howl's Moving Castle_ (Sorry, don't own that either, and is it really supposed to be Germany? My friends said that so I blame them if it's not true!) and this exact scene unfolded(minus the shamrocks of doom). Incidentally, how can one be from Ireland _or_ Germany and speak _Japanese?_ That's what I'd like to know!**

"Hey, we haven't used our mallets yet in this chapter!" was how Kitty chose to break the awkward silence after the alternate-universe Germans had left.

"Hey, you're right!" exclaimed Anna. "We must randomly pick another victim!"

They scanned the small crowd that had assembled to watch the chaos. Their gaze came to rest on Envy.

"Huh?" said everyone. "When did Envy get here?"

"We came through the door while everyone was distracted watching the show," answered Lust, who was also there, along with Gluttony.

"Oh," said everyone.

"Hammer time!" said Kitty and Anna.

Gluttony and Lust stepped aside and left their comrade to the mercy of the crazy girls with mallets.

Gluttony grunted, watching the amazing display of random violence. "This is making me hungry..." There was a large crowd there staring in his general direction, so he settled for stealing the ten bags of potato chips that the kid behind him was holding.

"Hey! Give those back!" fumed the kid, who was of course Chouji.

"Make me," replied Gluttony.

Chouji growled, but attempted to bargain. "Give. Me. Just. One. Chip. Back."

Gluttony snickered, but was elbowed by Lust. "Don't make a scene. Surely even you can spare one potato chip."

Gluttony sighed, found the smallest chip in the pack, and handed it to Chouji. Chouji snatched it back, then did a few hand seals. (How he did them without dropping the chip is beyond me.)

"Provision Replenish no Jutsu!" And once again he was holding ten bags of potato chips.

Now everyone knew how Chouji managed to never run out of chips! Everyone stared blankly at him, stunned by this revelation. (Come on, don't tell me you've never wondered about it!) Chouji, on the other hand, simply ignored all the eyes on him and continued stuffing his face with chips.

_Meanwhile..._

While everyone was watching the mallet-and-potato-chip drama, a door in the Hall of Crossovers marked _Death Note_ silently swung open. Misa emerged, followed closely by Rem.

As she set out to explore the mysterious hallway she found herself in, she was startled to see a teenaged boy wearing purple face paint and a black hood reminiscent of cat ears run past her.

"Kankuro, come back!" she called after him, hoping to find out where she was.

The frightened puppeteer turned around as he heard someone calling him. Strange thing was, he'd never seen her before in his life.

"How do you know my name?" he asked.

"Uh... Lucky guess?" said Misa. Her Shinigami-empowered eyes couldn't meet his, as is often true with bad liars. "Anyway, why were you running?"

"Oh, my brother is killing the costume people," Kankuro answered matter-of-factly. "It's the second time today his homicidal side has come through. Except the first time he was protecting us from an attempted invasion by a fearsome army of Mary Sues."

"Does that happen often?" asked Misa curiously.

"Yep. Especially when he's exposed to Mary Sues. I'm really surprised he let that go-fer through..."

That was enough for Misa. She set off in the direction Kankuro had come from.

Soon she came upon a hallway strewn with blood and sand. A little farther, and she saw a red-haired boy staring at a lifeless costume worker. His heavily outlined green eyes had a cold look in them that could only mean that he was the one responsible. She looked at the space above his head and read SABAKU NO GAARA. As she continued to stare, her eyes became large, liquid, with little hearts in them, in short, fangirlish. She let out a squeal that would strike fear into the heart of any bishie.

"OMG it's a hott serial killer!"

_Meanwhile..._

"Paging Tsunade... Tsunade, please report to the Hall of Crossovers... We need you to rescue Lust... Paging Tsunade..."

Julia was whispering frantically into the intercom. It had been approximately thirty seconds since Jiraiya had shown up, and things were already looking pretty bad. This was mostly because he showed up in midair, making a desperate leap and wrapping his arms around Lust. Lust, of course, struggled out of the Ero-sennin's obscene grasp and made a break for the nearest open door, which happened to be the Closet of Randomness. Jiraiya ran in after her, slamming the door shut. Kakashi ran to open it. Then he heard...

"Kakashi-sensei!" shouted Malia joyfully. And she began pushing people out of the way so that she could get to her beloved ninja. She would take him for her own, by force if necessary!

Kakashi was stunned. "I thought backstage was supposed to be a fangirl-safe zone!" he exclaimed, and disappeared in a puff of smoke just a second before Malia would have reached him and pulled off the mask she hated with such passion.

It was right about then that Tsunade appeared and strode purposefully toward the closet in which, as was clear from the noise, Lust was, for once, finding herself a victim. A victim of being stuck in a closet with the king of all perverts.

Tsunade yanked open the door to the Closet of Randomness so hard it made a dent in the wall. She would have beaten Jiraiya to a pulp right then and there, but apparently that violated a Rule of Humorous Fanfiction: No important characters should be seriously hurt for a good reason. And it's best not to hurt them for no reason at all, because this is how the great evil known as Ultimate Showdown came into existence.

"Well, then how are we supposed to punish the pervert?" asked Tsunade.

"See, you can't physically beat up a character," explained Julia, "but you can humiliate them." She continued, "I therefore suggest that there is only one punishment that will fit the terrible crime of being a super-pervert..."

"And... what is that?" asked Tsunade nervously. That girl was showing symptoms of having inhaled the invisible fumes from the Closet of Randomness.

"CROSSDRESSING! On stage, in front of hundreds of people!" Everyone either gasped or sweatdropped, except for a few people who did both, and Jiraiya, who fainted. _Yep, she's definitely inhaled the Fumes of Randomness_, thought Tsunade.

**AN: Not only was an interrobang edited out of the last chapter, we also lost a slash and a percent sign! WHY? They didn't do anything wrong!**

**Anyway, this is how I write when I'm _trying_ to be random. You can look forward to more bits of Gaara and Misa in future chapters. And what will happen when Hannah finds out about it? Speaking of Hannah, she's threatening me into including another extremely random scene, involving Swedish rap and Akatsuki style cloud-patterned miniskirts. Wait for the intermission! There's too much Dune to do first! Yes, next chap I promise I will get back on topic!** And if she doesn't, she will run laps around Konoha with me! **Lee! Get off the computer! And I will NOT run laps!** But how else will you celebrate your Springtime of Youth? **Hey, I got myself an Eternal Rival, what more do you want? Speaking of which, the following goes out to Sam:**

**POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE!**

**Yes, I definitely get more insane late at night. I'm going to bed now before I endanger my plot any further.**


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